Below are some steps you can take during the divorce process so you feel prepared for what you are likely to experience. Not all narcissists/abusers are the same however, so the below steps will vary slightly, from individual to individual: 1. Create boundaries and stick to them; During a relationship breakdown, a narcissist will try everything to get you back, often love bombing you like they did at the start of the relationship. They will make you feel like you cannot survive without them, that they cannot survive without you, that you are perfect for each other and you have no purpose in life without them. You must stand your ground, recognise their behaviour and words are entirely superficial and self-serving. As soon as they have you back, their old ways will soon creep back in and you will realise the false hope and promises they made, were just empty words. This applies throughout the divorce process and financial settlement; be clear in what you want, and why, and do not let the narcissist use their behaviour to sway your decision. 2. Seek therapy; Whilst your lawyer and any friends/family can be a great support during the divorce process, an experienced professional will provide you with the tools to help you get through the process and create a recovery plan, so you can move on with your life after the process has ended. 3. Do not expect empathy, remorse or understanding from your spouse of how you may be feeling during the process; You can seek genuine empathy and understanding from your support network and lawyer. 4. Use the divorce process as your chance to find your voice, speak up and tell your spouse how they have made you feel; During the divorce process, a proficient solicitor and/or barrister will respect your vulnerability and the challenges you are likely to face in wondering whether you are making the right decision. They should make you feel supported by instilling confidence in you and your decision in proceeding with the divorce, and protected from the narcissists manipulative behaviour during the process. 5. Recognise that their traits and behaviour is due to their narcissistic personality disorder, not you; Your spouse will attempt to blame you for their behaviour; do not accept the blame. Try not to become defensive or give attention to their false accusations and gaslighting, as they thrive off of this. 6. Have self-awareness and try to understand narcissism; Read self-help books and try to apply them to your situation. You must recognise the red flags rather than focussing entirely on the narcissist’s behaviour. 7. The narcissist will focus on your mistakes and blame the relationship breakdown on you; They will do this to get sympathy from the court, your legal representatives and yourself, as an attempt to obtain a more favourable award and ‘win’, in their eyes. They will ignore any of their own mistakes by quickly changing the direction of the conversation, or use an excuse. 8. Recognise their defences; These come in the form of personality modes or personas which they will use throughout the proceedings. For example, the victim, the judge, the critic, the womaniser. 9. Identify the triggers that are likely to cause a personality mode change as described above; This will occur when they have feelings of emotional abandonment, inner defectiveness, lack of control or security, or fear of ridicule or shame. It is evident that those feelings will arise during the divorce proceedings and the narcissist will change into a different personality mode in order to avoid that feeling. 10. They may accuse you of feeling emotions that they are intentionally provoking; This is an attempt to make you think you are being overly sensitive and drastic in seeking a divorce, causing you to consider changing your mind. 11. They will make the divorce process particularly difficult and drawn out for you; Unfortunately, as you have probably experienced, narcissists enjoy a fight, and do not want to give in or ‘lose’. When you once thought you were easy going, strong and able to put up such a fight, suddenly, you do not feel that after being subject to a narcissist. Do not be hard on yourself, you will find that strength again once you are breaking free from your spouse, and having a support network throughout the proceedings will help. 12. Be open with your solicitor as to how you are feeling throughout the process, discuss particular traits of your spouse and experiences; The more your solicitor knows, the better understanding they will have on how to approach your spouse and achieve settlement as early and stress free, as possible. It will also allow them to approach other legal representatives and the court to ensure everyone is prepared for the narcissistic traits. 13. You should not expect to ‘resolve’ any dispute during proceedings, or have complete closure with your spouse; You are likely to have experienced this during the relationship. A narcissist will act like an argument never existed, rather than making an effort to resolve the conflict in a calm, amicable way. This will make you feel overly sensitive and fearful in seeking a resolution, knowing it will just cause another argument. You should therefore use the divorce and financial proceedings as a tool to end the marriage and obtain settlement of the finances, rather than resolving the conflicts and issues from the marriage. 14. The narcissist will ‘take the stage’ at the hearings; They experience pleasure from attention and a sense of adoration, and will use any opportunity to achieve this. 15. You are likely to have played detective during the relationship; Their lies, manipulation and gaslighting are likely to have caused you to question your own truth and trust towards them, even when you originally knew you were correct. This skill you have gained will benefit you during divorce proceedings. 16. They will use triangulation; They will make you feel jealous or that you are making a mistake in ending the relationship, by implying they are in high demand from others, showing they have happily moved on with their life. 17. The narcissist is likely to continue to attempt to manipulate you into thinking you should still take them back, even after the divorce and financial process has ended, using any means they can to get in contact. If this happens, contact your solicitor and therapist who should be able to help.